Handy Polymath

I had a lovely weekend doing fun stuff. I painted, wrote, cooked and lost myself in projects and play. Today was a frustrating annoying letdown in comparison, simply by having to drive to the cubicle. Now that the Big Anomalous Interesting Task is over, my job has returned to its previous “office lady” mode of creating nothing, developing nothing, only frenetically supporting people who do actual work.

I’m not meant for corporate environments. I hate the fact they own my time and fill it without any regard to what I could actually bring to the table. I hate that I sell so much of my waking time, wasting it in marking the clock and forcing myself to care about trivial bullshit.

I like making things, and making things better. I don’t care about hierarchy or acquisition. I’m a puzzle-solver. I’m a craftsman. Another job is a fool’s errand–I need to get away from the computer and stop being a gear entirely. I need to create for myself a series of shops where I can ply my crafts. A clinic, a writing space, somewhere to paint, and to play the guitar I’ve had for five years and still haven’t learned.

I’m filling out the FAFSA, to see what (if any) financial aid options I have. I hate tax documents and red tape, but I loathe this lifestyle more, so much more; forcing myself every weekday to engage in an endless dribble and flood of boring deadening mindless tasks because why? I’m afraid of tuition loans (both the debt, and also not having the credit to get them). I’m afraid of miscalculating and jeopardizing the house. I’m afraid if I glance too long away as I run on the gerbil wheel of middle-classdom I’ll be flung off.

I’ve been afraid that if I plunge into this, I’ll miss something of my kidlet in the next few years. And instead I’ve been ever-vigilant to keep these swells of despair from her, to shove them down to be present for her. Only now have I gained the courage to acknowledge that process, and add that toll to the books.

I’ve decided to have a midlife crisis in my spare time. It’s a hobby I’m testing out.